So, I've been gaming a bit more lately. No, I'm not on some new MMO, although I did buy "Champions Online". No, I've been blasting bandits and alien dogs away in this year's super smash hit shooter, "Borderlands". I don't care if you're a fan of shooters or not, this game is fantastic. Aside from the fact that you have a bajillion guns to find, what makes this game truly amazing is the comedy. If you decide to give this game a try, I guarantee you'll have a blast and laugh.
In case you didn't know, I'm in a short "Brownsploitation" film called "Biggs N Hard". It's a comedy about two hard hittin', chick bangin' detective pimps tryin' to clean up the streets in the '70s. On December 5th, it will screening at the Comedy Bar. It's gonna be a huge event with live comedy and lots of partying. Check out the trailer for the movie here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EdBzEVa
Well, that's all the time I have right now. So, be excellent everybody and party on, dudes!
I recently entered a short film into the SCENE Director's Chair 2 competition. Jess, my friend Nightingale, and I worked very hard on this parody of "Twilight". I hope you all enjoy it! ^_^
SCENE - Director's Chair Contest 2
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- Mood:
excited
- Went to Burrito Boyz on Adelaide with Jess and Bianco last night. Had a delicious large beef burrito. It was extremely satisfying. Of course, despite being full, we all headed to Café Crêpe for some tea and dessert. Mmm!
- Tried paintball for the first time recently. Instead of taking it slow, I accompanied Jess and her brothers into a 500-on-500 war. It was fun, but I wish the organizers of the event didn't favour the other team and hand them the win on a silver platter.
- Got Bianco's laptop to play "Team Fortress 2". Finally. Now, I just need to figure out how to make it so he can play it in full screen and not just windowed mode.
- I was a background actor at a recent "Degrassi: The Next Generation" shoot. It was fun.
- Toyota > Nissan
Your Musketeer of Masculinity recently attended the Toronto taping of Monday Night RAW. As you all know, John Cena is the new Hulk Hogan. Well, at least the WWE is trying to make him the new Hulk Hogan. Despite the staleness of his gimmick, the fact is that he is a hero to children the world over. So, it was not surprising that children at the arena this past Monday were in full Cena garb. Well, to my shock and disappointment, adult audience members decided to not only trash Cena with the most revolting display of verbal ejaculation possible, they also booed and trashed a 6-year-old's lovingly-homemade Cena sign when it was displayed on the Titantron. These modern day neanderthals, it is apparent, need some Wisdom thrown their way. So... You no trash Cena near kids. Kids can be hurt. Hurting bad. Very, very bad. You bad if hurt kids. Evolve.
On the same Monday, your Shaolin Shaman also made a red carpet appearance at the Toronto International Film Festival with the GlamaJess. Every year, the volunteers of the festival are thanked before each and every film. They do lots of hard work for no pay, and that is to be applauded indeed. However, I discovered some volunteers who seem to think that their seemingly altruistic sacrifice of payment entitles them to be absolute, for lack of a more sophisticated word, jackasses. While the Women's Champion and I were getting our tickets checked by a particularly grumpy volunteer while entering the theatre, this prima donna tried to push us on our way with a loud "GO!" while still in possession of our tickets! We ignored her rudeness and waited patiently for our tickets, which caused her to react with clear physical signs of displeasure and petulance. Some Wisdom to this unwise soul: If you want people to respect your altruism, don't take advantage of it. You are entitled to nothing. Everything is earned.
And, that is all for today. Now, go, and feel the power of Wisdom!
Saw Drew Barrymore Saturday night at the restaurant my parents and I eat at almost every week. She is looking great! Also, her outfit was insanely awesome. Great to know celebrities (Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, and now Drew Barrymore) like my weekend dinner location.
Noticed a Korean dude yesterday with the "penis haircut" from the awesome film "Detroit Metal City". NICE!
Going to George A. Romero's "Survival of the Dead" in about 2 hours. I can't wait!
Jeff Hardy got arrested for possession of drugs and possible intention to traffic the drugs... WHAT?! Hardy has stated that the media has blown the whole thing out of proportion and Matt Hardy has stated that people should wait for the true facts to come out before making any judgments. Personally, I agree, 'cause JR, Jericho, and many others who worked with Jeff say that he's a great guy and are backing him. That says a lot in the wrestling world.
Try "Guillotine". It rocks!
Anyway, gotta go. Oh, and Mario, watch out, 'cause next time we play Munchkin, you're going to have your dreams shattered when I give you a Reality Check with some payback. Now, can you dig that, SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Also discovered that lots of costumers are Parasites and Hypocrites. One day, they hate Star Trek, the next, they are its biggest fans because it is now "cool" after the "Star Trek" movie came out. Thanks for jumping on the wagon, but it's full. When you fall off and break your bones, you will look up at me and shout, "SAVE US!" I will look down and whisper, "no."
Had Andrew over Monday night to play "Batman: Arkham Asylum". He asked to stay over to play it overnight. I was okay with it. 12 hours later, he beat the game. Soon, it will be my turn to play through it. When the Joker and his minions look up at me and scream, "SAVE US!" as I beat their brains into their asses, I will look down and whisper, "no."
Am hungry. Will break into Mario's secret Smackdown base's kitchen for tons of beans (and to take away his World Title). Yum.
Hi, I'm the Monkey of Shaolin, and I can chuck more wood than a woodchuck can Chuck Norris.
So, recently, the GlamaJess and I hung out with the Dog of War a few times, and we all just could not help noticing a little trend. For some odd and probably profound reason, every time we entered or were near a coffee shop, violence of some sort would erupt, leading to the police about to be called as we hurried out of the premises. For example, the first time this happened, a bunch of seemingly drunk men were MMA fighting outside the Tim Hortons. It got to the point that one guy got thrown into the window. Luckily, it did not break. This kind of thing has been happening repeatedly no matter where the coffee shop may be! What this all means is beyond me, but one thing is clear: Crazy and/or violent people are NOT welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
In other news, skinny jeans make me look fat. They don't fit, even when they claim the waist size is what my waist size is. And, if they DO fit, my amazingly sexy abs still spill out, creating fake love handles. There are no skinny jeans at the Temple of Wisdom.
I watched "The Ugly Truth". It was good. And, Gerard Butler is sexy, and I mean that in the most unhomoerotic way possible. Only real men watch chick flicks. Katherine Heigl is always welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
Well, that's all the time I have today. Remember: In life, there are Successes and there are Failures.
BE ENVIOUS!
(Note to Fans: The above statements about my abs were made for purely comedic purposes. I, Michael "Monkey" Chan, actually have a bit of a gut and am working out hard to lose the love handles. You can describe my body type as being "Medium Build". However, despite all that, skinny jeans are STILL not welcome at the Temple of Wisdom. ZING!)
Welcome, peoples, to another pulse-pounding edition of The Monkey's Casa! I'm your Spicy Simian. Your Primo Primate. Your God of Bananas. But, apparently, I'm not the only God around here these days. Accordings to TNA Wrestling's web site, Bobby Lashley is the God of Thunder. Wait a minutes... Does that make him Thor? But, I thought Thor was a tipo bianco biondo. Wow, Thor is actually a tipo nero calvo! Or, is this a "Tropic Thunders" kind of thing? Bobby Lashley is a dudes playing a dudes travestito as another dudes. Either way, he is not The Most Electrifying Man in Entertainments. That's me.
The Monkey's Casa
On a recent flight to San Francisco, I was rudely interrupted while reading about Sookie Stackhouse fabbricazione dell'amore dolce to Bill Compton by a hag anziano brutto grasso. This crazy womans claimed that my book was noisy and wanted to know if I had a headset I could use. Now, some of you fans of mines may point out that I was actually using an ebook, and therefore the womans could have thought it was something else. After all, she called it an iPod. Howevers, there was no sound coming out of my ebook. In facts, it is not capable of sound! (And, it's 3 times biggers than an iPod anyway!) When I pointed out the fact that my device was a book, she defiantly told me that it was loud and bothering her. So, I said that books don't make noises of any kind, and that if she was hearing somethings, it was the airplane. That shut her up.
The Monkey's Casa
I finally got the chances to play the "Aion" beta. I tells you, friends, a beta is much funs! A beta is cute and has pretty fins. Also, if you put another beta in a different container close to it, it will puffs up and ottenga tutto il macho aggressivo! Oh, I love betas... What? We're not talking about fish? Sona-ma-gun!
The Monkey's Casa
Well, Monkey Universe, that's all the time I haves today. Keep me bookmarked, though, and stay tuned for another super-dupers edition of...
... THE MONKEY'S CASA!
- Mood:
sad
Welcome, Monkey Universe, to another award-winning edition of The Monkey's Casa. *sniff sniff* What's that smells? Oh, yes, my apologies. I left the window opens and the stinks of the garbage on the streets of Toronto is getting ins. Hold ons. *goes and closes the window* Much betters.
Now, about this strike. What is the matters with these peoples? They make more moneys than I do for doing a lot less. They get benefits galore. They even get sick days. Mama mia! If only my 2 jobs provided such benefici accessori meravigliosi! But, no. I works my estremità bene-modificata off while these perdenti grassi, pigri, gementi terrorize this wonderful city. Did you hears? They're not only strikings, but also making good, law-abiding citizens who are trying their best to do their part by takings their garbage to designated drop-off zones wait in line! Listen, you psicopatici pazzeschi, you did your damages! You crippled the city! you are successfully holding the city ransoms! You don't needs to block the drop-off locations! By doing thats, you are terrorists! Yes, I saids it! You strikers are terrorists! And, do you know where terrorists in this country belong? In jails!
The Monkey's Casa
Another item to discusses is the arrest and chargings of Mr. David Chen, the owner of the Lucky Moose Mart in Chinatown, and his employees. Mr. Chen and his employees chased down a shoplifter and detained him until the police arrived. However, instead of arrestings the shoplifter, the police arrested Mr. Chen! I repeats again what I said aboves: Mr. Chen and his employees were charged, not the shoplifter! Che cosa?! So, guess what has been happenings since this incident? Shoplifters have been targeting the Lucky Moose Mart! And, if Mr. Chen and his employees lose in court, this will mean that shoplifters in Toronto can shoplift to their hearts' content as long as the police don't catch them immediately or identify them after the facts! It will be a sad, sad day for this city, my friends. So, what can we do as citizens of the fine city of Toronto? Belows, I present before you all a web site containing informations and videos about the incident, plus a petition for signings. Please, Monkey Universe, sign the petition! Please help Mr. Chen, his employees, and this struggling city!
VICTIMS' RIGHTS ACTION COMMITTEE
http://vracommittee.com
The Monkey's Casa
Well, that's all the times I have today. However, keep me bookmarked and stay tuned for yet another pulse-pounding, edge-of-your seat edition of...
... THE MONKEY'S CASA!
Hi, I'm the Monkey of Shaolin and the only reason why I call the Ghostbusters to trap evil spirits is because I'm a nice guy and don't want them to die from my amazingly powerful aura.
Today, my lovely Jess, the Amazonian Champion, got an allergy test. She came out and told me that she looked like an emo kid. I was going to disagree, but then saw the 22 needle holes in her arm. Ouch. Luckily, she isn't actually an emo kid. There are no emo kids at the Temple of Wisdom.
For the past month, I have been terrorized by Mario Perez's constant taunts about the 27th of this month. I feel like Kane. I have a singular date burned into my mind in 27 ways. I can hear the number 27 in my head 27 times per minute. Mario, you are 27 kinds of evil, my friend. On the 27th, I will get my revenge in 27 ways. There will be (27 drops of) blood in the Temple of Wisdom.
I finally logged onto "Team Fortress 2" last night after almost a year without playing it. I died in my first 3 seconds. I died again 20 seconds after that. And, again after another 10 seconds. "Team Fortress 2" is currently not on the play list at the Temple of Wisdom.
I beat "Plants vs. Zombies" and earned the gold trophy last night after playing "Team Fortress 2". Plants that keep zombies off the lawn are always welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
Well, that's all the time I have today. Remember: In life, there are Successes and there are Failures.
BE ENVIOUS!
Welcome back, Monkey Universe! It is I, your Spicy Simian! Today, I would like to talk about pigs. Normally, they're cute, cuddly little oinkers. But, some can be obnoxious and ritardato. Take, for examples, the vasca di lardo the Women's Campione, the Babe Magnet, and your Primo Primate encountered at the Mississauga Coliseum this past Sunday. This deficiente spesso thought it was rude of us to sit downs in the empty seats in front of her on which she was putting up her large, monster-like feets. Look, voi femmina stupida, if squealers like you can't behaves in public places, you should stay in the pig pen where you belongs. No need to dirty things with your grande, asino sporco, capisca?
The Monkey's Casa
So, the kangaroos in Australia are orinato fuori with Chef Gordan Ramsay because of some supposed comments he made about some television host. It just so happens that he apparently compared her to a pig and called her a lesbica during a live show. After watching the video footage from the show, I have to once again point outs how the medias is always twisting things for their own scopi vili. Gordon Ramsay never said anything about lesbiche, nor did he actually outright say that the images he showed on his projection screen were of that television host. I am, therefores, dumbfounded by the oltraggio down unders. I will say this, though: He's Gordon Ramsay. He is one foul-mouthed sona-ma-gun! You love him for thats, but now you go bananas for that, too? Chris Jericho should be all over your cases for being ipocrite! Whatever he apparently said, suck it ups, you marsupiali del bambino!
The Monkey's Casa
Finally, Thickie Vickie is no longer the General Manager of RAW. Scusilo! SCUSILO! Did you heards that right? Yes, you did! Bye bye, voi grande, maiale sporco!
The Monkey's Casa
Well, friends, that's all the time I have today. Remember to keep this journal bookmarked and stay tuned for yet another edge-of-your-seat edition of...
...THE MONKEY'S CASA!
Hi, I'm the Monkey of Shaolin, and my breakfast has more than 8 essential nutrients. Take that, Cheerios.
I recently had to deal with a lawyer. He was unintelligent, uninspired, unenthusiastic, unfriendly, unprofessional, unpretty, unhealthy, unenvironmentally-friendly, unmanly, and unbelievably lazy. Oh, and he was a huge, giant, massive liar. I firmly believe that when it comes to professions with bad reputations, it is the "crappy minority" in those professions that is the cause. In the case of lawyers, let me just say that the "crappy minority" there is crappy enough to make all lawyers in the entire universe, including those on the planet Vulcan, seem like they are not trustworthy. To any of you out there in need of a lawyer, your Friday Night Delight suggests that you look around and interview several before settling on one. It's what I would do. There are no crappy minority lawyers in the Temple of Wisdom.
Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of performing and working with a group of professionals in a seminar designed to help them gain confidence through acting techniques. Your Monk of Manliness was overwhelmed with joy by the positive results. One of the most amazing things that happened happened to this Taiwanese man who works at an importing company. He said that although he loved his wife with all his heart, he never realized how much he didn't show it. After doing one of our more personal exercises that had people really dig down into their emotional selves, he had a revelation. He realized he needed to appreciate what he had and show it to her every day, and not just on special days like Christmas or Valentine's Day. This Taiwanese businessman was a changed man, and I had the privilege to watch his transformation. It was very, very inspirational. Inspiration is always welcome at the Temple or Wisdom.
I recently watched a section of a show about the life of Mr. T. It turns out that he was genuinely from "the Hood" and that although he was surrounded by drugs, he never used any because he loved his mother and she raised him right. That is awesome. Mr. T is always welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
Well, that's all the time I have today. So, remember: In life, there are Successes and there are Failures. I am the micro-RC-loving, iPod-using, LOTRO-playing, Jessica-Flowitt-loving Monk of all that is Manly.
BE ENVIOUS!
Hi, I'm the Monkey of Shaolin, and I am not afraid of May 19.
That's right, today is May 19. MAY 19! MAY 19! Come on, Kane! Show yourself! Hulk up! Scream! Pull out your non-existent hair! Drag a giant foam hook around to look imposing! Get a short, fat, bearded "double" to put on your old mask and pretend to be scary! MAY 19! MAY 19! MAY 19!
I see no evil at the Temple of Wisdom.
And, that's all the time I have today, which is MAY 19! Remember, in life there are Successes and there are Failures. BE ENVIOUS!
Hi, I'm the Monkey of Shaolin and although I auditioned for the role of Sulu in the new "Star Trek" movie, I did not get it because they said I was too tall and manly. Apparently, Sulu doesn't have a six-pack. Or any muscles at all. And is short. Nonetheless, I still like Sulu. He's currently played by the guy who made the term "MILF" a worldwide phenomenon. We like MILFs at the Temple of Wisdom.
I was recently invited to my 10-year high school reunion. I don't really want to go because high school was the equivalent of Hell for me. BMW's and Mercedes were everywhere. Kids had no respect for others or even themselves. Drugs were often used. So were beebee guns. To shoot the animals in our forest behind the school. Of course, me being the smart, manly, and amazingly handsome teenager that I was, the envious Failures mistook me for a nerd. So, I thought that maybe I should hire a male stripper to go in my place and send in a camera crew to get everyone's reactions. That would certainly make things interesting! However, as it turns out, someone beat me to the punch. Check this out:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0904
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbRuKbOS
Andrea Wachner, I applaud you. You are a rare Success in this world filled with Failures. Andrea Wachner and the sexy Cricket are always welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
I recently watched "Star Wars: The Clone Wars". I liked it. I recently watched "Death Race". I liked it. I recently watched "10,000 B.C.". I liked it. All considered bad movies. All liked by your Monk of Manliness. There are no truly bad movies watched in the Temple of Wisdom.
And, that's all the time I have today. Remember, in life, there are Successes and there are Failures. I am the 13-piano-competition-awards-winning, 7-costuming-competition-awards-winning, environmentally-friendly, God-endorsed Monk of All That Is Manly.
BE ENVIOUS!
Extremely hungry. Must break into Mario's guard-dog-protected, Alarm Force-monitored kitchen for some beans. Yum.
Am reading "Scott Pilgrim". It is awesome. Anybody who disses it will get a grappling hook in the face. If you look up at me with your bloodied face and shout, "Save me!", I will look down and whisper, "no."
Hungry really quickly today. Must break into Mario's Alarm Force-protected kitchen for a can of beans. Yum.
Hi, I'm the Monkey of Shaolin, and after watching me play a white guy named Angus in a Shakespearean play, Robert Downey Jr. decided to play a dude playin' a dude disguised as another (black) dude.
Today's entry into the Archives of Wisdom will consist mainly of wrestling-related material. I will start by praising John Morrison on his groundbreaking performance as The Miz in this week's "Dirt Sheet". Not only did he accurately portray the formerly cool "Dirt Sheet" host, but he was also a better Miz than the Miz ever was. For that, I give John Morrison two thumbs way up. The Shaman of Sexy is always welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
In other news, it seems the WWE has decided to portray Santino and Santina as separate entities. In other words, it seems they will not have Santina unmasked to reveal that she is played by Santino. The question, then, is how long they can run with this for. Also, this begs the question of how they intend to eventually end this hilarious story arc. I, the Monk of Manliness, have some possibilities. The first is that they will have Beth Phoenix unmask Santina by pulling off her wig, which will reveal her to be Santino. When asked how he pulled off the episode of "Santino's Casa" where Santina talked to Beth over the phone while Santino was standing in front of her, he will claim that he paid someone to impersonate Santina. The next possibility will have Santina decide to no longer look like her brother and get plastic surgery, turning her into a beautiful brunette played by an all-new Diva. The final possibility is that Santina and Beth Phoenix will fall in love, leading to a pseudo-lesbian love affair that sees Beth dump Santino for Santina. We have ridiculous theories in the Temple of Wisdom.
Bobby Lashley is now a TNA wrestler. Despite the fact that he has been introduced as "Bobby Lashley", we all know that WWE wrestlers who go over there tend to go through a name change. So, your Primo Primate has a few probable names for when the name change happens:
Bobby Cage
Brother Bobby
Doctor Bobby
Also, in the case where TNA decides to ruin Lashley's career by jobbing him out, he'll probably be the next Suicide. You know, 'cause different people play that character. Of course, if he does succeed, you'll probably see him go nuts, get a tattoo on his face, and carry a giant, bloody knife. One thing's for sure, though. Bobby Lashley isn't setting foot in the Temple of Wisdom.
(Until he develops a neck. We have necks at the Temple of Wisdom.)
Yesterday was my Amazonian Princess' mega Birthday bash. It took place at the Temple-of-Winsdom-recommended Old Spaghetti Factory. All in attendance had a fantastic time there. The food was really good, the service was fast and friendly, and the atmosphere was just right. The Women's Champion even got a sparkler in a cup of ice cream while the restaurant staff sang "Happy Birthday". To everyone who came out for this momentous event, thank you! You are all wonderful. Wonderful people are always welcome at the Temple of Wisdom.
And, that's all the time I have today. So, remember: In life, there are Successes and there are Failures. I am the environmentally-friendly, unbelievably-manly, scorchingly-sexy, 8,326-time Tag Team Champion (with Mario Perez).
BE ENVIOUS!
Lots of male wrestling fans love Stone Cold Steve Austin. In fact, they idolize him. Am not a fan myself. Am quite the opposite. Stone Cold Steve Austin is a criminal. He is vermin. Stone Cold Steve Austin is a wife-beater. Yet, despite all that, he is as loved as ever. It seems these fans don't have any clue how bad wife-beating truly is. That, or they ignore it because they feel Stone Cold Steve Austin is apparently such a cool guy that no matter how bad he screws up, he is still good. News flash: Stone Cold Steve Austin should be behind bars right now. He is not cool. As for those fans who love him without question, when your wife beats you to a pulp and you look up at me and yell, "SAVE ME," I will look down and whisper, "No."
Am hungry now. Must break into Mario's now-extremely-burglar-safe kitchen for some beans. Yum.
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monkeyofshaolin- Michael Chan
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